How to create a DVD (humor)

[Michael Mackenzie]

Here are the steps necessary to create a DVD:

(1) Be sure to slap the words "Collector's Edition" somewhere on the front
(2) Include "Scene Access" and "Animated Menus" among the list of Special Features
(3) Always be sure to include an "exclusive conversation" with one of the movie's stars
(4) Include the headings "Widescreen Edition" and "This film is presented in its original aspect ratio", making it sound like something special, despite the fact that any company in their right mind would release films ONLY in the original aspect ratio
(5) Include Closed Captioning if it's a US DVD, despite the fact that 95% of DVDs have their own subtitles included
(6) Include some rudimentary DVD-ROM features so that the DVD insists on auto-playing with PC (un)Friendly if you stick it into your computer
(7) Digitally "enhance" the image to remove unsightly nicks and flecks on the film stock. If it's animation, be sure to make the unsightly black outlines flicker on and off
(8) Wait 6 months and re-release an "Ultimate Edition" which includes a special 2-page booklet and a trailer for the upcoming sequel
(9) If you're Columbia-Tristar, be sure to stamp a "compatible with Playstation 2" disclaimer on the case, even if it is a 2-disc edition with an extra features disc which will not play due to the PS2's lack of memory
(10) Be sure to create some lengthy animated sequences to play whenever you select an option on the menu. Viewers like nothing better than to sit through a (badly) animated 3D object spinning about on the screen like a zany

:D

[JohnMac]

(11) In the UK it is essential to quote short meaningless parts of reviews and use excessively large fonts. They all read the Sun newspaper in the UK and won't buy it otherwise.

(12) Be sure to set a much higher RRP in the UK than anywhere else in the world - they're suckers and will buy it regardless.

;)

[saigon]

13) Be sure to get it accidentally advertised at a silly price...then claim it's a misprint

14) have a disclaimer saying that black bars are normal for the idiots of the world

[Mr Vampire]

15) For any foreign film, make sure that you include dubtitles instead of literal
16) The disc will cater for all of europe, so include all european subtitles
17) Make elaborate packaging where possible
18) DVD's will have to come as a 2 disc, regardless of how little extras there is

[Paul490]

19: Get the film banned, then get it an '18' in a massively cut form. Then slap the words "PREVIOUSLY BANNED!" in excessively large and irritating typeface over the cover. That's always good so the stupid suckers will always buy it.

[Mr Vampire]

20) Make up an foreign award, preferably a french named one and slap such stuff as "winner of 9 dor'k de arrh" with a feathered badge in gold colour in the top right corner.

[tpr007]

And don't forget to put the disc in just loose enough for it to arrive as one of those "novelty" rattlers!

[Paul490]

22: - Put extras on the DVD that at first glance look great, but when you actually look at them are quite disappointing.

[tpr007]

23 - List commentary by the stars&director as the main extra, but just tell them to sit there and describe what's on-screen with long pauses. Also make sure the films sound is off, so those pauses make u think u've gone deaf :D

[Bolch]

24) Put in it one of those lovely constructed 'snapper' cases.

[wide_inside]

25) If you do have director's commentary, make sure that some complete nobody sits with him, interjecting with ill informed rubbish at every opportunity.

wide

[The_Evil_Dean]

25: On said commentary make sure the director makes a long eeeeeeerrrrrrr before laughing for no apparent reason

26: Include a stills gallery which is largely the same picture over and over again

27:include a disclaimer before the main menu that is in every language in the known world that can not be skipped

[CLH]

28. Release it in novelty packaging which makes it impossible to store with tht rest of your stuff.

29. Make it look really cheap with crap packaging (EIV!)

[Michael Mackenzie]

Originally posted by Paul490
19: Get the film banned, then get it an '18' in a massively cut form. Then slap the words "PREVIOUSLY BANNED!" in excessively large and irritating typeface over the cover. That's always good so the stupid suckers will always buy it. aka "Includes extra footage you didn't see before!!! (well, some of it)".

30: If you're creating packaging for a teen slasher flick, be sure to make it consist of head-shots of the beautiful cast staring beseechingly at you, with at least one character looking like they haven't slept for six weeks. (Classic examples: Scream 3, Final Destination.)

31: Make sure it is impossible to remove the special 2-page booklet and actually read it. This is especially easy if you have a 2-disc edition, because the holder for the first disc can be conveniently in the way.

[RoboCop4]

32. Confer with other studios to ensure that you all use a different description for 'anamorphic/enhanced widescreen/16:9' etc. on the back cover, thus ensuring that people new to the DVD world are totally confused, and go back to using VHS...

[CLH]

Oh I forgot!!

33. Release it in pan and scan regardless of it being shot in widescreen (ANGEL!!!!!!!!)

34. Re-release all the films in the series in a large metal box that looks great, is of no practical use, but still everyone wants it!

35. Come up with a new technical format which leaves out any extras for the sake of better sound and picture.

[deftone666]

36. If it's potentially the biggest selling DVD of the year (ie Shrek)make sure you include a competition thats stuck to the front cover with glue that would put Super Glue to shame and can only be removed with industrial strength thinners.